what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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