i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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