I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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