note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
