If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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