My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
he shaved USA in his pubs
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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