News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
