Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
