I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
