I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
