Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
