I met the friendliest cop last night
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
