haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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