i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
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you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
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I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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