My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Farmville is her only friend.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
