hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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