My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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