All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!