This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
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How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
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But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”