You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
found the other keg... it's in the tree
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
