So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
