I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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