got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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