It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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