he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
