Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
