I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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