She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
