come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
