If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
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