God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
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