she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
