i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
