Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
