I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
