If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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