Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I need to calm my uterus...
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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