I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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