did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize