new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
