Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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