who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Randomize
