I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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