some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
