We tried having a conversation with our noses.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
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