WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Randomize
