Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
