You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
