We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
