Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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