woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
