Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
