I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
